My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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