I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
