my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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