I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize