i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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