Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
