Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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