i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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