i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself