My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize