Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
