Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hippo gnu deer
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
