I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish you could order shots online.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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