im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
