I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
