You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
