KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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