If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
