i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
