neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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