Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
