when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
