Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
