so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
