So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
