She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
