It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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