You smell like stripper and shame
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
