You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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