i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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