Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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