Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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