make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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