What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
