So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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