My sheets look like a crime scene.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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