i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Use "feeling words"
Yay
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
