What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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