i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
