Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
