I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
