I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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