am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
