I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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