I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
