He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
