i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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