I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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