i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.