Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Randomize
