He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
where are my eyebrows?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
