if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
