Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
