nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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