so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
