i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
