Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
