If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
