Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I didn't notice because vodka
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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