what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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