Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
