I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
