The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
