i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
