I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
