I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
