I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
